Is the ick just a lack of attraction?

Is it an ick? Or do you just not fancy them?

The term was originally coined in 1999 in an episode of Ally McBeal (Season 1, episode 15 to be exact), and later gained widespread popularity in the 2020s on social media. Now firmly cemented in the dating lexicon and pop culture, the ick is a term which describes the phenomenon of getting a sudden (and at times inexplicable) wave of revulsion, cringe, or dislike for the person you're dating. The causes of the ick range from the understandable — being rude to waitstaff on dates, disrespectful behaviour — to the downright niche. In a list of icks currently being circulated on WhatsApp, examples include: "Two phones on table," "Grown adults on manual scooters," "Spotify with ads," "Coloured bed sheets," to name a few.

The ick can be helpful at times, too. As I write in The Love Fix — a non-fiction book about why dating is so hard right now — the ick can come in handy when we're struggling with romantic rejection or finding it hard to move on from a connection that didn't work out: "If it helps, view their disinterest as an ick. Let it turn you off. View their indifference as a trait that makes you lose attraction to them."

I have a theory that this term is just shorthand for a lack of physical attraction. Take, for example, the time I got the ick when a guy I was dating had a strawberry seed stuck to the tip of his nose. He'd done nothing wrong, but when I looked at his face, all I could see was the seed on his face staring back at me. In this case of the ick, I could no longer hide from a fact I'd been avoiding for some time: I just wasn't physically attracted to my boyfriend. "He just doesn't do it for you?" as Ally McBeal's Renée succinctly put it.

The role of disgust in partner selection

In many ways, the ick can present as a turn off or a strong feeling of disgust. Evolutionary psychologists have extensively studied the role of disgust in relation to human survival.

Disgust has evolved to protect humans by encouraging them to avoid pathogens or anything that might cause disease. Sexual disgust discouraged humans from being attracted to partners with traits that might present threats to reproduction, such as health or genetic risks.

It's difficult to see how someone ordering soup of the day or who has their phone torch on unintentionally could be interpreted as a threat to reproduction, but here we are. But, from an evolutionary psychology perspective, we're wired to lose attraction when we experience disgust.

The importance of similarity in human attraction

I put this idea to a social psychologist specialising in human attraction: is the ick just a lack of attraction? Professor Viren Swami, social psychologist at Anglia Ruskin University, explained the difficulty in answering this question stems from the fact "the ick isn't a scientific term; rather, it's a phrase used in contemporary popular culture, which also means how the phrase is used can vary widely."

"I suspect icks signify the importance of similarity, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. We all have beliefs about how we think the world around us 'should work' — what is right, what is just, what is correct," says Swami.

So, why is similarity important in the realm of human attraction? Social psychologists have extensively studied a phenomenon called the "similarity-attraction effect," which hinges on the idea that people are drawn to people who are similar to themselves in key respects. Why do we look for similarity in the people around us? Social psychologist Donn Byrne put forth the theory that humans have a foundational need to view the world as logical and consistent — this is called the "effectance motive." This means, we favour people who validate our ideas and views, who agree with us, and thus, reinforce the logic and consistency of the world around us.

Swami tells me that we want other people to share our views about how the world works "because that satisfies our 'effectance motive'." "But if someone behaves differently or does things in ways that feel 'wrong' to us, our effectance motive is no longer satisfied and that can cause anxiety or even repulsion," he adds. "In the early stages of a relationship, even minor differences in opinion or behaviour can feel like a big deal, precisely because our effectance motive is not being satisfied."

Is it the ick? Or just emotional unavailability?

Has the ick become a get-out-of-jail-free card for emotionally unavailable daters? Tom Stroud — Bumble ambassador and host of the Why Do Men?, a podcast about male dating behaviour, and star of Love Is Blind UK — thinks the ick is "a subconscious reaction which is symptomatic of something bigger." Stroud feels icks have become a "normalised way to justify losing interest" without engaging with the reality of waning attraction.

"Rather than interrogating the deeper reasons why attraction fades — compatibility, emotional availability, or fear of intimacy — people lean on the language of ‘icks’ to avoid engaging with those uncomfortable truths," he adds. "It’s easier to say, 'I can’t date him because he runs for the bus' than to admit, 'I’m not emotionally ready' or 'I never actually fancied him that much to begin with.'"

"The problem isn’t that ‘icks’ exist," Stroud adds. "It’s that they’ve been turned into a get-out-of-jail-free card for emotional avoidance. Instead of reflecting on what we really want in a partner, we outsource that decision to a fleeting moment of discomfort." 

Annabelle Knight, dating and relationship expert at Lovehoney, echoes that avoidant attachment styles can play a role in the ick. “People who have an avoidant attachment style may get the ick more often as a way to distance themselves from their partner when intimacy starts to increase; it’s often a subconscious defence mechanism," says Knight.

What if you find yourself on the receiving end of the ick? Stroud says it's important to remember it's not a personal failure — "it’s just someone realising they’re not as into you as they thought." "And while it can be frustrating, it’s also a blessing in disguise. The right person isn’t going to completely lost interest the minute they discover your secret comic book collection or your lucky birthday pants," he adds.

Does the ick say more about us than the other person?

The ick is so firmly embedded in the popular zeitgeist, we use the term liberally, sometimes without fully realising what's at the root of this feeling. I firmly believe in trusting your instincts when it comes to dating — if something feels off, you should listen to that feeling and act accordingly.

But when the ick is something arbitrary like witnessing your partner running for a bus or rolling their ankle, it's worth spending some time with that reaction to try and understand where it's coming from. Could it be that you're just not that attracted to the person?

Knight suggests reflecting on why you might be feeling the ick. "Are you scared to get close to this person? Are you being too picky? Do you need a little more time to get comfortable? Quite often, the icks we feel about other people can reflect things we’re uncomfortable with about ourselves, rather than anything that person has done," she says. "Ask yourself if your response is appropriate or is it a little extreme for the ‘crime’ committed."

So, is the ick just a lack of attraction? Well, if it's disgust you're feeling, then yes! If it's a jolt that's alerting you to a strong dissimilarity to a person — also yes! But, if it's something deeper, like a fear of getting close to someone, you may need to interrogate what's behind this feeling.