Doritos may introduce a softer chip for women because apparently only men have teeth

As a woman, I have long dreamed of the day I could bite into a chip that has the same density as a menstrual pad.

That day may be coming sooner than I thought. In a new Freakonomics interview with the CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, Nooyi revealed that the company is getting ready to release special snacks for women that would be designed and packaged differently.

Nooyi disclosed some of the essential gendered (and scientifically unproven) differences between men and women and how they eat chips.

"When you eat out of a flex bag — one of our single-serve bags — especially as you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom," Nooyi told Freakonomics. "Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth."

Listen. I'm all for ascribing negative social behaviors to men without any scientific basis. But I cannot count the numbers of times I've taken the New York City subway at 3 p.m. and watched men AND women eat a bunch of chicken wings, lick their saucy fingers, then put their nasty ass hands on the communal subway pole. This foul behavior transcends gender, race and class.

That's not stopping Nooyi:

"It’s not a male and female as much as 'are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?' And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon," Nooyi told Freakonomics. "For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse? Because women love to carry a snack in their purse."

Congratulations, ladies! What you lack in first female presidents you now have in first female fried chicken mascots and purse-sized Doritos you can squeeze next to your tampons.

Update: Following release of Nooyi's interview and the subsequent internet outrage, PepsiCo released this statement in response:

"The reporting on a specific Doritos product for female consumers is inaccurate. We already have Doritos for women – they’re called Doritos, and they’re enjoyed by millions of people every day. At the same time, we know needs and preferences continue to evolve and we’re always looking for new ways to engage and delight our consumers.”

America, the ambivalent.