You might think that women act less assertively than men do. But in relationships, men are often unassertive with women. In a year-long relationship with Gina,* Doug learned the rules about what made her happy, what she expected, and the "piles of gifts" she awaited at key holidays. His own desires started to get shorter and shorter shrift. We worked on elongating his "shrift." I asked him, what do you want in this relationship, and even a year into it, he said he didn't really know. He suffered depression, fatigue, and weight gain.
We decided that he'd work on his assertiveness. That is, identifying what he wants, and expressing it clearly and openly. Gina did not react badly, although they had a few bumpy discussions at first. But overall, she seemed to welcome this newfound energy in Doug.
What do you want? What do you not want?
It may seem funny to get asked this question, but sometimes we're so derailed by what we think we must avoid that we ignore or forget to define what we really want (and that is very different from what we think we must have). When you're blinded by what can go wrong, you don't focus on what can go right.
An unassertive philosophy leads to passivity, which can get entrenched, even in (or especially), our most intimate relationships at home and at work. You might unthinkingly go along to get along, as they say, to find yourself in a place you hardly recognize.
There are emotional clues along the way. But when you come around to realizing it, you then have several options. One, to rage. Two, to act assertively. Trouble is, we often spend too much time at option one. The spiral works like this: You realize that you don't stand up for yourself, then you start to feel hurt, then resentful, and finally, cook up a combo of anger and depression.
Why do we act unassertively? That is, why do we not actively pursue our desires?
The belief that you must avoid conflict and disapproval is the main culprit. It is the implicit assumption, "I must avoid conflict."
The desperate need to avoid conflict leads to passivity, suffering, and worst of all, detachment from one's own preferences. Constant conflict avoidance can lead to depression and further detachment. When you get upset about feeling upset, that's a "secondary problem." It's like recursive awareness.
What to do?
Try this: If you're acting unassertively, figure out your triggers, and look for what you're telling yourself. If it is, "I must avoid conflict" write that down. Look at it. Now, ask yourself, Why is it an absolute must to avoid conflict? What are the disadvantages of believing that you must avoid conflict? What are the advantages of accepting (but not liking) conflict? Come up with several counterarguments for the unassertive belief, and I'll wager that you will know more about what you want, go after it more, get and out of your own way more often.
*All names changed.
